your commanding officer

we fight a child's war. how glorious! how fun!

mister montpied i think

adventure time should probably be about this guy idk maybe it is i dont really know about what adventure time is about exactly

ms grimm is german by the way

your commanding officer...

1. rhapsodizes
1. about birth
2. about beauty
3. about men
4. about women
5. about nonbinary
6. about god
2. grabs you for a human shield against
1. sweetheart deer, who are silly and small and get in your way and once you've made eye contact they give you a heart attack if they die
2. fangs arcing down from the sky like black rainbows and silent artillery fire 
3. flimsy metal barrels containing cannibals eager to eat their way back home from the ghost world
4. kung fu kicks from spiderleg women, four stilt legs to a hip
5. sunken senators, those tyrants of darkness who turn shadows to bugs
6. ursine nursury, a massive she-bear with a jaw that drags along the ground to swallow the dying whole. a minute or two later, births a horrible, patch-furred hybrid. the dead are of no interest to her. 
3. orders an airstrike on your location
1. black fangs
2. cannibal barrels
3. jack bombs (ground vibrates such that it kills you if you are standing on it each time it bounces, bounce 1d4+1 times before they clip through the earth and are gone)
4. boiling fat 
4. threatens to kill themselves
1. if you do not love them
2. if you do not kill them first
3. if you will not relieve them of their command
4. if you are not having fun 
5. gives you their extremely powerful dangerous weapon
1. mourning root, which rapidly sprouts when planted, growing a foot per second per person crying on it. anyone killed under its willowy limbs must be buried by the one who killed them
2. a held breath, a cloud of bacteria that, upon contact with the uninoculated, revert their gut biome to the way it was on an autumn afternoon when they were a child, and lonely. they will behave accordingly, though they remain cognizant of their surroundings. 
3. a gravedigger gun, a tripoded and multi-barrled sniper rifle which fires 6 shots which cause the body to collapse into a cairn of limbs with the head and torso at the bottom; this qualifies as burial for the effects of mourning roots
4. feathergun, like a shotgun loaded with feathers that stick in the target and flap flap flap, lifting them up and rapidly away
6. takes your gun
1. which was a gift from your sister
2. which was all sticky and you were going to clean it
3. which they can't figure out how to use
4. which static electric shocks them
7. is getting abducted
1. by a strangler
2. by a deerstalker
3. by a swarm of abductor ants 
8. proposes to you
1. and means it
2. and laughs at you if you agree
3. then gets shy and runs away 
9. does drugs and offers you some
1. a roach that is nothing but filter
2. baby powder
3. baking soda
10. tries to kill you 
1. in a way that is playful and fun
2. in a way that is romantic and inappropriate
3. in a way that is scary nightmarey 

it is a little tiring is all

 

and he's not helping!!!!!