A Zine by Two Brunettes and an Expert, Celebrated by a Blindfolded Dance Party, Presented Here in a Blogpost
Statement of Intent
In this Zine we will explain
How everything can be, is, and will be, porn.
The importance of nutrition
How to grind effectively
The importance of shame and the fascism of cuteness
How to make the Beatles at home
How to take this seriously
to help us do this we have brought in our Expert
we hope this is helpful
we love you
god is good
we know most of the people reading this are mainly wondering about making the beatles at home so we are putting it first. everyone wants to make the beatles but here is what it takes
you’d have to clone yourself a hundred times just to get a foursome. i mean like four clones who wanted to fuck each other.
and i think if you took those four clones and tricked them so all they ever did was play guitar hero in hotel rooms where they didn’t speak the language they’d probably turn out to be the beatles. if you let them play regular guitar they’d be regular guys and maybe rock stars.
bob dylan needs to be involved but timothee chalamet has got that under his firm control. he’s the guitar hero to the guitar. bob dylan looked him in the eyes and said i need you to keep the cutest boy in america alive and healthy. and he had to go electric. there was just absolutely no other way.
***
Porn: America's Funniest Home Videos Compilation Watch Online Free
Film Review of CHRISTOPHER NOLANS¹ ODYESSY: SING TO ME O HIGHER STRUCTURE OF ORGANIC LIGHTNING OF COOL THINGS TO SAY WHEN THEY CALL THE COPS ON YOU AND TELL YOU TO STOP CLIMBING BUILDINGS LIKE KING KONG AND JACKING OFF THE LIGHTNING RODS (2026) ( . ) ( . ) 👈 fuck yeah
because, pig, there’s the animating electricity.
electric eel mentality 🙄 bad az semen retention grifters 4 lightning and lightning is literally a slow-fucking tree. an instant is unmoving. it can take alllllllll night.
we have the self, the whole self, and nothing but the self. ✝️rain robots grape purple with the blood and the blue sky on the celibate machine of my body without orgasm. get jealous!!!! explain my whole life to me!!!
you think this is cum???? volcanic hippie eruption, now that’s cum. beatles flavored vesuvius, rock gods gone too soon and cumming too quick.
say again? lava lampful of the beatles cum? ewwwwwwwwwwwww a tautology. anti gnosis, the moon as the tip of a finger pointing at you.
see above, see above, see above. Born again (porn again) christianity. Tee pose Jee sus. guitar hero history.
Are we making short form content? are we?did you see the one where bill mahr is lovely to the young lady? did you see him talk about spitting on it?
Legally you have to tell me if we’re making short form content right nowright now right now right now now right now rightnow right now r right now now now right now
right
now
right
now
right
now
¹because in nolan we see true pornography. the dream as endless grey panes. the glossy high definition fetish over the sentiment. they’re eating up the past from behind. they’re doing it in the ass. they’re hd anal gaping uhd4k polyps peach fuzz skin. they’re already paving over next years sinkhole here with hot steaming asphalt. the screen has smudgemarks on it from your finger grease. your(w) hole shit is scuzzed and blurry
***
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Nutrition: look. I know you wanna be Joan Didion baby but you gotta eat the almonds too.
he says: Well, I, for one, resent it when a representative of the people refers to you and me, the free lego men and lego women of this country, as "the masses." we’re really small. not much mass going on.
he pulls up a big screen with hunter s thompson's daily routine. its too small to read.
this is what you want? he says. get r e a l, he says. nobody does this. nobody did this.
3:00 p.m. rise
3:05 Chivas Regal with the morning papers, Dunhills
3:45 cocaine
3:50 another glass of Chivas, Dunhill
4:05 first cup of coffee, Dunhill
4:15 cocaine
4:16 orange juice, Dunhill
4:30 cocaine
4:54 cocaine
5:05 cocaine
5:11 coffee, Dunhills
5:30 more ice in the Chivas
5:45 cocaine, etc., etc.
6:00 grass to take the edge off the day
7:05 Woody Creek Tavern for lunch-Heineken, two margaritas, coleslaw, a taco salad, a double order of fried onion rings, carrot cake, ice cream, a bean fritter, Dunhills, another Heineken, cocaine, and for the ride home, a snow cone (a glass of shredded ice over which is poured three or four jiggers of Chivas)
9:00 starts snorting cocaine seriously
10:00 drops acid
11:00 Chartreuse, cocaine, grass
11:30 cocaine, etc, etc.
12:00 midnight, Hunter S. Thompson is ready to write
12:05-6:00 a.m. Chartreuse, cocaine, grass, Chivas, coffee, Heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit, Dunhills, orange juice, gin, continuous pornographic movies.
6:00 the hot tub-champagne, Dove Bars, fettuccine Alfredo
8:00 Halcyon
8:20 sleep
we all know about it. put it in your movies and piss on my grave.
the starving masses address lego ronald reagan in the form of a Q&A
Q: are energy drinks chic?
A: well, they’re freaky like an infinity mirror. its an imitation of a winter guava berry meant to replace coffee and it could go on and on and on forever and never touch what’s real and never look any different from frame to frame.
Q: is drinking a diet coke in the morning chic? My roommate does this and should I do it too?
A: well you saw the Substance 2024. you and your roommate. we all did, we all know about it. it’s obvious. it’s like whalefalls and queer community. which by the way i’m going to do something about. but remember the scene where sue takes a sip of a cool refreshing diet coca cola straight from her stainless steel double door fridge and does the splits every morning and her ass makes a non diegetic sound? HOLLYWOOD wants you to think it’s chic. my grandma does too. she drinks 3 diet coke mini cans a day, one with every meal, and she only says grace at dinner so you can tell it’s more serious to her than God.
Q: what’s your favorite soft drink mr. lego president?
A: root beer as a kid. could knock back 2 easy. or more.
Q: could we watch you knock back 2 rootbeers right now?
A: I could not drink 2 root beer now no way I’d get sick
Q: who are feastables for?
A: feastables are for moms.
Q: halloween candy or easter candy
A: halloween candy tastes better as a child than easter candy
now we sing him off stage. now we ride with the texas rangers. now we bounce on shotguns. go west young man, california’s full of winter imitation guava berry and yoga women and the gold’s all gone.
***
hair in the teeth in the dog that bit me
i was gooooone and going
going going. right out of here!
left and leaving.
neighborly, baseball.
is this anything? is this anything?
is there any piece
i forgot about? of me.
of the sugar content.
color changing junk spoons.
arctic circle milk bowl.
some cliche
from some
from some
from some
from some
from some
movie i did forget about.
alright, have forgotten the name of.
i’ve come down from that acid trip of true connection;
name to thing.
instead, it’s the other acid feeling, the cold,
geometric, dirty one, the cold and dirty light that clings.
everything is slick with a fine
layer of pig fat
from the bacon
i ate for breakfast:
thin, slimy, gone
bad. this: is nothing nothing noting noted.
i’m running so quickly! i’m gliding out of here so fast!
i’m rounding the bases and…
shh (back home, torturing the spiders, i’m setting the spiders on fire,)
can you believe it?
oh, out loud.
yeah, they’re all running all over the place as their legs catch and curl,
and leave them. twitch trembling against
a cold cold can
in the earth,
in the heart,
of the depth of the darkness,
of the soft of the death of the grateful,
of the chew of the champ,
of the bitter incorrectness:
this hideous horrible need for something.
for anything! i’m
w r i n g i n g
this dry!
squeezing that place
where knowledge breaks down
language becomes recycled junk
not the most worthy but the best shaped,
the hook-i-est.
WHICH is something cruel isn’t it IS something cruel is it SOMETHING cruel is something CRUEL?which? the fact that things that the body loves desires needs so separate from what beauty and joy are, ISN'T that odd? isn't THAT odd? isn't that ODD? so sneeringly obvious.
cold light dirty pig fat recycled phrase.
into the recycling already, and there's not much left
for me in the way of wisdom
tooth shopping.
as in, shopping for the tin-tasting tiny
little piece of real estate
caught in the back molars of a druuuuunk
bitch facedown.
that image that grew up with the first woman
to ever realize that what a stranger thinks of her
shhh (me) is a gum wrapper way to keep myself.
a dog could tell me that.
shh (a dog could tell me a whole lot of things
like a city made of ice, sitting at the dirty north,
the ice all slicked with cigarette ash.)
that's what's in my teeth.
stupid ugly bitch.
doghair at the funeral parlor,
allergy white hands too,
tight face, too
stretched, hair too frail
to flake, too hard and calcified.
there’s an apartment in the city in my teeth.
everything there is the same color:
my teeth. it gets on me when i sit.
it's unclear how far i will extend into the apartment.
it’s unclear how exactly
i'm supposed to stop living this kind of life.
or take a step outside
of my mouth, sure, but of the word more,
of the cereal box literature,
which is ALL i really want.
is all I really want
all i REALLY want?
i really WANT
REALLY WANT.
the cereal box:
animal facts,
the facts of life,
the facts of nutrition,
the facts of good dental hygiene,
the toys,
the recycling information.
***
Grind Culture: I keep trying to have androgynous sex on cocaine but it’s not the 1980s and I just end up having business ideas. They/They’re all about selling Stranger Things lava lamps.
In order to learn more about grind culture our Expert has ridden their Peloton to New York City. This is their report:
i’m doing this right
now: staying
juuuust a minute
or two ahead just
a minute or two just
ahead just a minut
eor two ahead
justaminuteortwo.
ahead,
i’ve run
down, of course.
of course, in new york city, of course, but whatever the fuck.
who still cares about stuff like that!
actually
it is pretty cool.
actually, just:
the train outside the window.
that grocery where the air smelled like lawn,
a venue above, and a picture
of a girl somebody took,
that somebody told
that somebody me about.
the train is only a few feet from her outside the window,
and she still exists
and window girl is caught
in the gold (hard, head ache-y, coke-burn-y: incandescent)
or caught white (hard, head ache-y, coke-burn-y: florescent) or red or blue.
i won't see the picture. it's too cool,
too hard. i'm going soft,
like an over-saturated piece of wonderbread,
falling apart in that kind of nauseating gentle way.
pretty common:
the numb weed sickness,
the room spin signaling the end
of the night,
the private dissolve
inside the shell of the self,
inside the endless high school classroom,
expanding out from where you crouch in the middle, a black blot,
this big canvas of classroom and all the chairs and tables looking kind of thin,
or something, like flimsy,
like unconvincing, made of balsa wood and cotton balls
stretched
***
Here we present the results of our audience analysis.
23% of americans identify as evangelical christians.
it’s important to us to keep 23% of our readers. we’ve got an eye for demographics and a nose like a bloodhound and four legs in the morning two legs in the day and three legs at evening.
Eugene Lowry, in his work The Homiletical Plot and his revision of such work in The Sermon, suggests that the sermon create a sequence of experiences on the part of the hearers that mirrors the experiences of a typical plot form. The sermon therefore moves from conflict through complication to crisis and finally to resolution. Lowry’s The Homiletical Plot depicts this design as having the following five sections: (1) (i.e., “oops”); (2) (i.e., “ugh!”); (3) (i.e, “aha!”); (4)(i.e., “whee!”); and (5) (i.e, “yeah!”)
Our Expert Says: i can't sit still like once or ever (1)(“oops”) i must continue to show function what it means to be present and the feeling of the unstopping wind and whether or not we find what we see in the look of it when the wind blows hard on the night we are all the same kind of scared (2)(“ugh!”) and its the kind that makes you realize how much you love growing up and living where that happened feeding that thing that never makes contentment just more problems (3)(“aha!”)and more alligator (4)(“whee!”) feeling like its not worth it at all like the heart is pulling in the direction of stevia packets and late night call and coming home to your hippie wife you won for being just inclusive enough to fool yourself (5)(“yeah!”)
9 U.S. adults identify as lgbtqia+ and probably all of them are reading this zine.
they all matter to us every one. you matter. you are worth the ash rubble. it’s a hard moment to see for anyone else but were you the one who tried to do me wrong and i crumbled and i laid down and died after putting that power tool to my lips to feed my devilshoot and the finish all gangster movie. you always deserve the thing you get.
Our Expert Says: word on the street is there’s a new bywater snowball spot owned by a drag king/burlesque duo with fresh paint and a disco ball and a spotify 60’s Soul Hits radio. i want to pay 7+ extra to add CBD to my spearmint. i want to make bread with ancient grains and that's no joke. i want to call a neighborhood bourgeois because wouldn’t it be nice to live there. i want to make the club smutty again. i want everyone to know that i know that everyone is beautiful and nobody is sexy. i want my community to be like a whalefall. i want someone to do something about my community. i want to do lines in the swimming pool they’re building in the residential neighborhood. i want to do lines in a safe space. i want to move to your city and throw you out of city hall. i want to put gay porn on the tv. if this arcade bar wasn’t so loud i swear i’d call the cops. i want to punch it down choke it down and spit it out and dance it out and suck it out fuck it out make it out take it out take him out tonight with the god damn fucking smiths on and the bombs and the bombs and the bombs
those 9 gay americans have parents too and we understand that. thank you for your patience. this is for you.
everything is fancy and now everything is all the time and nobody grinds. nobody wants to work. everyone works too much and they don’t call home. i really can’t tell. i really can’t tell. i fucking love my iphone. woke blue hair man scape bear type shit purr chic slur demure girl cher eat eclair. thanks for watching. your eyes are looking great. get yourself a treat. get yourself a treat. get yourself a treat. everyone’s always grinding for the treat. everyones always working for the weekend. everyone’s always honored to be the first to comment. but they don’t make real music and the lighter half of the edge is burning too fast and a laptop isn’t an instrument and my fisher price keys won’t start my car.
Our Expert Says: what does the fox say? nothing of value.
***
Cuteness and Shame: Dignity is servanthood which is servitude. Oh brother. Oh brotherhood.
Our Expert gives a Review of Remains of the Day
give this book to your unemployed dad on father’s day! leave it on your manager’s desk as a warning! it’s about a man looking back on the vocation he’s dedicated his life to that’s crumbling under his feet and wasn’t worth dedicating his life to. he’s a butler in the sunset of butlery and a man in the sunset of his life. He spends a long road trip through the English countryside trying to figure out what makes a good butler and he decides it’s dignity and then he has to figure out what dignity is and he decides it’s about foregoing your personhood and getting disemboweled by tigers so a bunch of nazi sympathizers can retire to the drawing room with a scotch and a cigar at 8pm sharp. i don’t want to spoil too much in case you read it, but it’s really good and it made me afraid for myself and others. what if i look back on my life and it’s not mine? what if all i did was get on my knees?
***
To help recover from the grind of the big city, our Expert seeks solace in the cool sheets of an Airbnb:
Girl’s Trip!
vinyl floor beach house washer-dryer in the kitchenette pullout couch 1 and a half bath amounts to $324.89 split seven ways.
the locals hate the tourists like we hate the tourists when we’re locals.
keep the meat-eaters out of it.
watch out for the undertow,
the purple flag that everyone knows means dangerous fish.
lisa and i share a bed on the first night and it feels like we’re a father and son at a best western because our bodies are gross and familiar and certainly not touching.
i wake up screaming when a bolt of lightning hits the roof.
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry, sorry, sorry, i say.
i take a picture of the trash truck’s license plate.
i take note of the make and model of the neighbor’s truck.
sick motherfuckers.
enemies everywhere.
fuck! marry!
kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill!
i’ll break every neck that cranes to look through the sliding glass door!
i’ll brutalize the back of their throats like i brutalized the pullout couch!
i don’t think i’m drunk until i walk into a mirror.
may the piss on the pavement chase me down.
may botulism strike me dead.
***
We’ve recently become aware of the following equations
Fascism = (Cuteness) - (Shame)Chic = (Poise) + (Intensity Shhhhh. This is me the Expert here. I’m here writing you a love letter. I’m sneaking it into the zine. I just need to tell you how I am feeling now.
***
Taking Things Seriously: A real fear we had about making this was that you wouldn’t think we were taking it seriously. So we watched Purple Rain because Prince is as serious as it gets. And then we wrote as fast as possible without stopping for any reason. Whatever’s next comes from the heart.
ughhhhh like ughhhhh like fuicking ughhhhhh like ughhhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhha ahg aghhhhhhhhhhhhhha ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aghfhaz ghag ahjghag hahgsa h fucking fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk theres water everywhere i cant even thake this fuck ing seriously like fuck like dammit all the water on the floor clean up with towel like aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
y i stoppesd too much and fuuuuuuuuuuuhck ufj gohuaopuehfajfj afjjwi fkadjfgh;ahs af;j;kjefh ;adsjkfh;skj fjd;fj;a a;sdjwnnwd;faj;;;;fwj a fjjfjumm shit shit shit shit shit shit wait i want to hear a song because i love it i need to hear it now how do i make the song happen
WE ARE TOO SERIOUS TO LET THE ELEVATOR BREAK US DOWN.
PURPLE RAIN SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
IT WON A GRAMMY AND AN OSCAR I THINK YOU FUCKING SNOBS
YOU FUCKING SNOBBS YOU LOVE THE GRAMMY AND THE OSCARS
YOU FUCKING SNOBS
prince said cum a lot
he was jacking his guitar like crazy and shooting crazy cum love beams over the crowd it was fucking wild
the solo is over and the work the work is serious
Paul was serious about writing those bitchy letters to everyone
I love writing bitchy letters but they always work and they never get me into any trouble
because they’re real
fucking peace
peace peace and love
i swear to god
i love peace
sharp pins sharp pins in my eyes sharp pins in my eyes
sharp pins in my eyes sharp pins in my eyes
i want to feel a little less sick and a little more like the structure of lightning
i dont take things seriously and thats because theres a lady inside me and i feel like antichrist lars von trier and shes going to be murdered because that's what happens.
WAIT BUT Prince was serious
and it’s a shame he died in an elevator.
"-and the pants of the Bishop are falling rataplan rurrrrrrrrrr...."
ReplyDeleteFinally...someone resurrects the Dada movement of the 1920s! Or were you going with the William Burroughs 'Cut-Up' technique? Either way, keep it up...I always prefer my 'mind expansion' without the Drugs, near starvation or deadly fevers!
My meditation aid of choice-might help:
https://www.bluestwave.com/toolbox_dreammachine.php
there is a certain caliber of hypnagogic word association that betrays a keenly observant authorial eye, and utilises its freedom to structure itself any damn way it pleases as a vehicle to a unique sort of conversational honesty. anyway i read this aloud to my friend while we were making soup and she kept urging me to keep going. i feel like i just got home from a concert.
ReplyDeleteI thing the search for "cooking video just hands" is out of order 'cos its time stamp is 5:40, but it comes after 5:41
ReplyDeletejust thought you'd wanna knew
Delete