there was something inside me back in febuary. it looked kind of like the light you see when you press on your eyes very hard, but wet, and wormlike. if you don't believe in stuff like that i don't really care. it's hard not to believe in something when you can feel it under your skin like a rubber band squirming around. it wouldn't have gone inside of me if i hadn't invited it and i wouldn't have invited it if i hadn't been pretty fucked up and i wouldn't have been fucked up if i hadn't been raped as much as a kid. sometimes you've got to be blunt.
it was in me for maybe ten or twelve days. i remember some of the things i did while it was in me and i don't remember the rest. i remember it got me to smear food garbage from the drain all over myself and rub soap in my eyes. then it made me destroy every single thing i'd written over the past 6 or 7 years that was any good at all. i didn't remember that until a few days ago.
i was very thorough. i wiped my google drive. i wiped my hard drive backup. i wiped my mega.nz backup. i deleted every single email and every single text message to and from my friends and family and publishers that contained links to my work or my work itself.
i didn't touch the blog. there's a part of me that feels like i didn't touch the blog because it wasn't any good. this stuff wasn't even edited. the work i destroyed was actual work. concentrated effort, deliberate practice of craft. i was proud of it. i thought i did a pretty good job. less sentimentally, i was trying to hide what i did from myself, and the dopamine drip of reader count and comments means i kept closer tabs on this stuff. it would have been harder to miss than my actual missing work. i resent that.
taking down my blog was basically motivated by that resentment. that and fear. i'd rather have a conscious memory of destroying something than waking up and discovering i'd done it a long time ago, in a state removed from myself. if i'm honest, there was more fear than resentment.
you should be honest. and you shouldn't do things out of fear.
a lot of people saved my blog and showed me how to export
the whole thing so someone besides me can keep backups in the future. i think i'll put it back soon. i tried to just now but i couldn't really get myself to want to. i feel pretty dumb about that but who cares. it's good to feel dumb i think. besides feeling dumb i mostly feel weightless and hollow and confused and really really sad.
i still probably won't write anything new here for a bit. there's other stuff that comes first, survival type stuff. me and other people. mostly nothing i want to write about. i've got a place to sleep and internet and stuff so i'm fine. i run a laundromat and someone overdosed there a few minutes after i found out about what i'd done to myself. i had narcan and i think they're going to be okay. it's pretty fucking stupid to think that anything has to do with anything else. symbol collapse. things are what they are.
Comments
Are you sure you don't just have a schizophrenia and like, had an episode of some kind?
ReplyDeleteI can't fathom reading what Ms. Screwhead wrote and considering such a callous response is even remotely appropriate. Why don't you just fuck off?
DeleteAre you sure you should be armchair diagnosing people in blog comments instead of, like, leaving it to the dozens of people who doubtlessly know the author way better? Go dick around somewhere else you creatively sterile clout-farmer.
DeleteAs a fellow survivor, I know what it's like to do things you regret, to do things you don't even remember, to not do things you really should have or even meant to do, and all the other thoughts, words, behaviours and actions that spill out from trauma.
ReplyDeleteTake whatever actions that feel right, feel like they help. I've often been wrong about what actions to take, but I am better at not regretting the ones that felt right, and the odds have usually been better that they ARE the right actions to take, or as close to right as I could've gotten in that moment, when I follow that feeling.
Ignore any casual cruelties like Taylor's in the comments here. The dull of mind, spirit and soul are unfortunately common and even more unfortunately compulsively communicatively diarrhetic, and can be safely ignored.
But most of all be kind to yourself. Be patient and accountable with yourself, sure. Be vulnerable with yourself, if you can. But be kind to yourself most of all, now and always. More words will come to you, more will spill out of you, more by orders of magnitude than what has vanished...if you're kind to yourself, the rate at which they arrive and their volume and what you choose to do with them or not do with them won't matter so much as that new words are here and announcing themselves to you.
Take care of yourself, and reach out for support from the people you trust. All of this will still be waiting for you if, in future, it ever feels like something you can approach with joy again.
ReplyDeleteYes, please take care! I don't know if this is helpful, so will leave it up to you but my rss reader has cached text copies of past posts here. If you are interested you can find out how to contact me at my blog: https://words.presgas.name/
ReplyDeleteTotally up to you. No answer is definitely valid and so is whatever self care you need.
Please take care and time and kindness to yourself. I am just happy you alive. If you need what help I can provide (even if not much) please reach me.
ReplyDelete